most of my life i thought being alone and lonely is the same thing.

but they’re not.

being alone is a choice, an intentional pause.
loneliness feels like something you can’t escape.

for my whole life, on every gathering that we had – sleepovers, parties, anything really, i felt disconnected from others. and no, surprisingly, it doesn’t matter if i’m in the center of attention, like if it’s my birthday and i’m surrounded by my favorite people. it’s hard to explain, but it felt like I was watching my life from above, like I wasn’t fully in the moment no matter how hard I tried.

i laughed, i talked, but no matter what i did, no matter who i talked to, it just didn’t feel natural. i overthought every conversation, every little reaction.

and sometimes, i still do. and that’s okay, because i’m still learning too. everybody is learning till the end of their lives.

last year, when i got sick for 3 weeks and could barely stand, most of the time, i was home alone. yes, first few days i just spent on my phone scrolling on social media or rewatching my favorite movies, like everyone does. but that soon became boring.

laying on the couch, realising that the empty room just feels- heavy? nobody in the house, except for my cutest dog Bailey :D, house was quiet.
i started seeing the world differently.

i began noticing things i never had before.

like how slowly the sun actually sets.
how the dust settles on the floor (sorry mom, you truly are the best cleaner).
how the steam from my tea glows when sunlight hits it.
and most surprisingly…i started hearing my own thoughts again.

sounds funny right? you’d think, “everybody can hear their own thoughts.” you would be surprised. just think about it for a second,

when was the last time you truly did hear your own thoughts, not while scrolling, not with the TV on, but in actual silence?

that’s exactly what i realised in that moment.

since then, i actually started enjoying my own company. i started looking forward to it. and, to be fully honest with all of you here, it’s my favorite part of the day.

i can be whoever i want to be in that moment, play any music i want, eat whatever i want, dance like nobody sees me, exist without feeling watched or judged.

i love being me.

and here’s the thing to remember for today: it’s not selfish to want to be alone. never ever. sometimes i need to recharge my social battery so i can be the most me around people.

but don’t forget about balance.

just like solitude matters, so does connection.
spending time with friends, family, people who make your heart feel lighter — that matters too.

loving being alone didn’t make me a loner.
it made me grounded.
it made me whole ♡

love,
hana